A Friend - YV

Recently I knew a friend. Let's call this friend - YV. We talked, shared about things and I was glad that I found YV to be interesting to communicate. YV can talk about aspirations, experiences and dreams with zeal. Then I discovered something about YV that I was 'uncomfortable' about. YV was too perfect. Perfect, because YV always has a right answer for every question, and YV never really shown any emotions. I have never seen YV angry, nor sad, nor disappointed. Not that I desired to see YV display such emotions but the check on the emotions are too perfect. Then I discovered, I may not really known YV as well as I thought.

You see, I am too emotional as a person and extremely opinionated. My best friend, Lyn once commented that I am a woman full of emotions and dare to love and dare to hate completely. YV was totally opposite. At times, I knew he was angry, he never shown. YV's anwer to every question is diplomatic, never hurting and absolutely accomodating. There was only one time that I saw disppointment appeared on the YV's eyes from a comment I made, but they were almost immeditately hidden behind a smile and diplomatic answers. And YV once mentioned that the display of emotions are restricted to family members and loved ones because they accepted YV as who YV is. I began to wonder the YV I knew was the same as the real YV. is there a real YV in the first place? I can only guessed that the trust between YV and me was not strong enough to allow YV put down the guard and realised I can too accept YV as who YV is. That may take years and who knows?

A Choice Vs The Choice

It has been 9 days since I last blogged.

Been busy with work, the daily trips to hospital and many other things that comes along the way. Last night, I was reading the 10th circle by Jodi Picoult. Talk about reading, I start to miss my reading kakee - yew theng at KDF. Mr Ngor, if you are reading this, you must know this. I miss the sharing sessions we used to have at KDF when we talked the books we read and what lessons, opinions that we get from the books. When come to books, we have different taste, but the love for books is the same and that is what matterafterall. Now, honestly, I hardly have time to read and that explain why I am still 1/3 into 10th circle after 1.5 months. This is totally unacceptable for reader.

Well, back to 10th circle, a line in the novel popped up clearly and that is "Are you capable of loving someoe who is capable of loving another person?"

I pondered and the answer is obvious. Love is selfish in this sense. You can share many things in life, not the person you love. I remembered, one of the most hurtful incidents in my life is when I find out one of my ex-boyfriends 2-time me. The reason why it was hurtful was not because there was another person involved, rather, there was another person he loved at the same time. Ironically, when I found out about his 'affair', I was all willing to forgive and accept him back. The non-turning point ocurred when I knew he loved the other woman too because this stupid guy sent the sms to the wrong person. So, how could you continue to love someone knowing his heart contain another, no matter how small it was? I am a sharing person not when it comes to this. I am after a complete heart, partial is unacceptable. I rather do not have it. I will not want to be one of the choices people made. Because when you become a choice, you become not the only choice. I have seen people reacted negatively knowing that they are just one of the choices. They became insecure, reacting to insecurity, lost who their real identify and what made them unique in the first place and demand attention, love and time that they knew they can never have. I told myself not to and never ever go down that road. Answering the question in 10th circle, the answer then becomes a clear NO. Afterall, if you really loves someone, you will learn to let him go. If he ever comes back to you, he will be yours only and forever. If he never, he was never yours anyway.

A State of Everything

Administering medicine to my dad is tiring. Some days, it took half an hour, some days it took less than that. He had difficulty swallowing and I hate forcing him to do so. If I do not force, he will be in great pain later. It is a chicken and egg situation.

I saw my half brother and 2 half sisters yesterday. They came, after more than 10 over years, to see my dad for like the last time. Throughout the 1.5 hours, they did not utter a single word to my dad except called him dad.

I was angry with them. I remembered I once visited a dementai day care centre. There was an old lady who hold my hands and wanted me to sit down and talked to her, which I did. I did not know her, not even her name. Yet she just keep chating with me and at the end of the short conversation, invited me to her place. At that moment, I cannot hold back my tears. I felt for her. So yesterday, I cannot understand why they refused to reach out to my dad. Maybe just hold his hands and said take care. What wrong did my old man done to them to cause such indifference? Is rejection a stronger feeling than love? I guessed I felt too much for dad to feel this way.

Despite what happened, my dad was elated that they came. I saw my dad's happy face, I felt a sudden jeolousy. For the past 33 years, though at the back of my mind I knew that dad had another family, yet to me he was mine and mine alone. Dad was all mine then suddenly they had a share. So I had to divide my dad into 4 parts. Dad was no longer 100% mine. Dad seemed to sense that in me and was trying to tell me he loved me the most, maybe 90% of his love was for me alone. Now I understand why when humankind had gotten used to having 100%, a little less than 100% brought unhappiness. But I always remembered something from the movie -Indecent Proposal. "When you love someone, you must learn to let him go." With this I told dad that, in his will, if he ever wanted to include any of them or all of them, let it be and he would have my blessings." I wanted him to know that he was free to love all of us equally.

As long as he is happy, I am happy.

Emotions Blocked

I think I am blocking my own emotions. I am amazed at my efficiency in planning my father's coming death. Hospice Home Care, Reunion with his the other family, network of support for my mother, type of funeral etc.

I knew I blocked out my emotions the moment I made that decision. That decision to stop all treatment - chinese or chemotherapy. He was not responding well to the treatments and suffering. Dad, for us, refused to make the decision. Mum for herself denied what she was seeing. Friends and relatives for themselves chosed to be indifferent. When all things revealed the truth, all eyes are on me, I knew I had to make the decision. It was weird and extremely painful to decide the death sentence for the person you loved much. Still, I called the shot. That moment onwards, I blocked my emotions.

I am scared because Emotions defined me. This morning I was reading the 'Tenth Circle'. One of the sentences said "If you fooled around without the feelings attached, it might not mean anything ... but then again, neither did you."

What happen if I meant nothing?

Meeting Kent Yesterday

I had always enjoy the dinners with Kent.

We meet 2 to 3 times a year to catch up on events happening in our own lives,about life in general and the good old memories.

Kent is my ex-boyfriend. I first knew him when I was just a 18 years old young lady. We broke up of course, when I reached 21 for reasons both of us could not really pinpoint now. We were not unique in this instance as many people never really remember the reasons why they broke off with that somebody in their life many years later. Maybe the 'whys' in life are not as important as we make them out to be especially when time did the work of mending the so-called hurts.

Last evening, we made a pact. We told each other jokingly that if one day either one of us ever had dementia, the other one wouldl try his/her best to remind the other of the good old times. Maybe we had reached a stage where we felt that memories are important. We revisited memories not because we could not get over that phase in life but rather memories formed a part of us. Revisiting them reminded you of a part of you, an ideal of yours that you yourself may have forgotten. Who we are now is a connection of memories. The memories good and bad define who we are in one way or another. Personally, I think losing memories is a scary thing. At least I do not want to live life looking back and realise it is blank.

I talked to someone on Tuesday. He shared an experience he had at a camp many years back. I think that experience made him who he is now and the memories he had of that experience is not just a recollection of things that happened but the emotions that involved in that experience. I was happy for him. He kept something from that experience with him. He may not had realised it but I heard the relating of that same experience from him 4 years ago. I did not stop him from sharing because the recollection of details is similar but the description of emotions are different when come to density and variety. I think I heard him deeper and clearer this time compared to 4 years ago.

As we walk through life's journey, new experiences and emotions allow us to gain a deeper understanding of life, of our own memories The experiences do bring a new dimension to the old recollections.

As we parted for the evening to our own partners, as usual, I am glad I had him as my friend.

Hospice Or Not? - Part II

I fed my dad today. In fact, I had to feed him for the past 2-3 weeks. Our daily challenge is to see how many spoonfuls I can get him to swallow. We set a goal of 20 spoonfuls today but only managed 14 of it. But I thought it was an achievement for both of us.

My husband is dearie today. He tried speaking words of life to my dad. Words that brought life to a person's spirit. I told dad that he would be well. I prayed that he would be alright.

By the way, I bought Teng Lee Jun's CDs. I was hoping that by playing her songs which belong to Dad's era, Dad would have more fighting spirit. When the music was played yesterday, I saw he slowly moved his fingers to the beat of some songs that could have evoked much feeling in him.

Martin Luther King, Jr and Ralph Waldo Emerson

I love these 2 gentlemen. They were able to share pieces of life wisdom so straight to the point via simple quotations.

Martin Luther King, Jr said:

"Lukewarm acceptance is more bewildering than outright rejection."

Lukewarm denotes greater and more personal rejection. It tells you that you are not even worth the effort of having the direct rejection.

"In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."

Silence of our friends hurt because we grow to expect when in actual fact we maybe should not be. Ironically, the closer we get to friends, we expect more and deeper commitments forgetting different people have different commitment levels at different phrase. Yet, not expecting seems to be imply the inability to develop deeper relationships.

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."

This silence is about feeling different.

Ralph Waldo Emerson said:

"Dear to us are those who love us... but dearer are those who reject us as unworthy, for they add another life; they build a heaven before us whereof we had not dreamed, and thereby supply to us new powers out of the recesses of the spirit, and urge us to new and unattempted performances. "

What can I say? The quotation said it all.

Hospice or Not? - Part 1

I helped to shave my dad today. We were 3 weeks into his cancer treatment. I hated seeing him getting weaker or I thought he was getting weaker.

Many friends told me to spend more time with him. Yet one night, I found myself doing lots of housework. I took all the work from my maid and asked her to keep him company. Maybe I was afraid to see the man I know to be so strong getting weaker and weaker each day. He was my pillar of strength, yes even at my age

I used to depend on him so much. Afterall, I grew up as the only child and I was told he will always be there for me when I needed help. He promised to protect me for the rest of my life. If I get bullied next time, who will be there to protect me from the wickedness of this world?

Dad told me that he would like to give up fighting for his life. I hated seeing him in such great pain. He was not eating much. Tried feeding him these few weeks. He cannot really swallowed his food and he was not passing motion. Life was draining away from him and from me. I cannot cried still had mum to take care of.