A State of Everything

Administering medicine to my dad is tiring. Some days, it took half an hour, some days it took less than that. He had difficulty swallowing and I hate forcing him to do so. If I do not force, he will be in great pain later. It is a chicken and egg situation.

I saw my half brother and 2 half sisters yesterday. They came, after more than 10 over years, to see my dad for like the last time. Throughout the 1.5 hours, they did not utter a single word to my dad except called him dad.

I was angry with them. I remembered I once visited a dementai day care centre. There was an old lady who hold my hands and wanted me to sit down and talked to her, which I did. I did not know her, not even her name. Yet she just keep chating with me and at the end of the short conversation, invited me to her place. At that moment, I cannot hold back my tears. I felt for her. So yesterday, I cannot understand why they refused to reach out to my dad. Maybe just hold his hands and said take care. What wrong did my old man done to them to cause such indifference? Is rejection a stronger feeling than love? I guessed I felt too much for dad to feel this way.

Despite what happened, my dad was elated that they came. I saw my dad's happy face, I felt a sudden jeolousy. For the past 33 years, though at the back of my mind I knew that dad had another family, yet to me he was mine and mine alone. Dad was all mine then suddenly they had a share. So I had to divide my dad into 4 parts. Dad was no longer 100% mine. Dad seemed to sense that in me and was trying to tell me he loved me the most, maybe 90% of his love was for me alone. Now I understand why when humankind had gotten used to having 100%, a little less than 100% brought unhappiness. But I always remembered something from the movie -Indecent Proposal. "When you love someone, you must learn to let him go." With this I told dad that, in his will, if he ever wanted to include any of them or all of them, let it be and he would have my blessings." I wanted him to know that he was free to love all of us equally.

As long as he is happy, I am happy.