Emotions Blocked

I think I am blocking my own emotions. I am amazed at my efficiency in planning my father's coming death. Hospice Home Care, Reunion with his the other family, network of support for my mother, type of funeral etc.

I knew I blocked out my emotions the moment I made that decision. That decision to stop all treatment - chinese or chemotherapy. He was not responding well to the treatments and suffering. Dad, for us, refused to make the decision. Mum for herself denied what she was seeing. Friends and relatives for themselves chosed to be indifferent. When all things revealed the truth, all eyes are on me, I knew I had to make the decision. It was weird and extremely painful to decide the death sentence for the person you loved much. Still, I called the shot. That moment onwards, I blocked my emotions.

I am scared because Emotions defined me. This morning I was reading the 'Tenth Circle'. One of the sentences said "If you fooled around without the feelings attached, it might not mean anything ... but then again, neither did you."

What happen if I meant nothing?