Let's Talk About Money!

Use money, bless people. Yet, many use people, bless money. I have heard many said that money is not everything. But, the way to a man's heart, often tie closely to his pocket.

2 months ago, my hubby suddenly asked for my account no. He said he would like to give $200 monthly to me as shopping allowance. So, for the past 2 months, he would wired the money to my account upon receiving his salary(I even forgotten about it this month). To me, is such a nice gesture. It is not the amount, just a very nice thought. I have seen many husbands complained about the spending habits of their wife. Few instead of complaining, chose to give allowance for shopping. When I asked him how he think I should spend the money, he said anything, be it pedicure or manicure. What more can I expect?

When my hubby is still single, he gave 25% of his salary to his parents. When we gotten married and have our own family, I know that he is still contributing the same amount to his parents. At one point, the thought of asking him to give less did cross my mind. But, I did not. I just tell him if he wants to give the same amount, please go ahead and if there is need for me to chip in more for our family, let's do it. Because I realise what would be the possible repercussions of asking him to give less to his parents? If we really believe in the mindset of abundance, I should not be restricting him? What type of values am I promoting to him, encouraging him to give less to people he love? I just have to trust him that he can and will manage his finance. Money can always be earned, once you break that in a man, it is difficult to regain back. Besides, we believe that our Father in Heaven always without failed provides for us in abundance now and ever. I am glad that I trust my man to manage what he earns and trust him to treat the people he loves in his life well. Remember, use money, bless people. Afterall, the old saying stays "Money is a tool, only useful when you are alive."

Just do not spilt that damm hotel bill - dude!
(Hey, the following content can be adult stuff... so either avoid reading this entry or simply grow up!)

I cherish my friends and keep in touch with them is always a pleasure. Recently I met up with a friend and the topic on relationship inevitably became part of the conversation. Well, afterall what can you expect out of girls right?

She was sharing about a married man getting interested in her. This girlfriend of mine, let's call her Ms attractive. Ms attractive is unmarried, nice, beautiful. As the conversation move on, I sensed that there is a certain degree of she liking him - the married man. So, I told her, as a friend, whatever her decision is, all I asked of her is to want her to take good care of herself. My main concern is not about whether the person is married or not married (okie okie... some of you may disagree), but I am more concerned with what she can get out of the relationship. Basically I want to her to ensure that she is not being taken for a good ride.

I told her about two friends that I know. Both are involved with married men. One of them strongly believe the man she was involved with, love her when all other signs are showing otherwise. One of the signs is the splitting of the hotel room bill. The man told her how much he loved her, both make love in a hotel (of course, since he is married) and at the end of the sessions spilt the hotel bills. Interesting...and to me is disgusting. Actually I do not really care what the male friends reading this blog think, but come on. This girl or woman already not getting the 100% of the man she love, 10% of his time, 10% of his attention and this Fu** man is spiltting the bill with her. If time and attention is what he cannot control and he had to proportion, that maybe understandable but... So, i told this story to Ms attractive and said, whatever you choose to do, just do me a favour, just do not ever come to a situation where you need to spilt the hotel bills. If this man ever did that, it is time for him to eat grass, afterall grass is for beast. I told her if she ever find herself in that situation, by hook and by crook, get herself out of the relationship. Because the longer she stays, she will lost herself. With that, bring to my mind a joke I heard, there are only 2 types of man not subjected to temptation. One without guts, the other without money. If he lack of either one, then he ought to behave.

Finishing off our afternoon tea, we parted with a common joke " Hey dude, just don't spilt that damm hotel bill. "

Burn it!

There are many different types of self in one person, someone once said. Some we know well enough, some we barely know at all. The emotional self is one where it determines how you love and be loved.

I liken my emotional self to that of a Phoenix. Knowing phoenix, having a pattern of self destruction via consumption by flame and resurrection from ashes. Yet tears of phoenix have great healing powers. Once I made a decision to love, the whole self contained the full emotions and love I have for the people I love. The flame of emotions and love overwhelming and fully consuming. Can the phoenix control the very flame that it started? If it can, it was never a phoenix in the first place.

To the phoenix, love can never be compartmentalise and should not be compartmentalise. Ironically, to the people the phoenix love, it was the over-whelming flame that attracts them and the same flame that they wish to control. To the phoenix, lif e is short and precious. Be dare to love fully and completely cos you may not get the same chance to love that person that steps into your life again. Many let that slip through the fingers, thinking that somehow someone, somewhere that person may come by again.The phoenix have seen many loving in a manner that seems like it was rationing during war and if love came to that stage where rationing is a practice, that love becomes pathetic.

Having the self destructive flame is not irrational. In fact the phoenix weighs the pros and cons much more than anyone else, it was just the every nature of it to love. If today is your last day on earth, would that change the way you love today? If the answer is yes, you have not love enough. To the phoenix, she loves as if each day is the last day.

The flame do die one day when the love to keep it going is rationed and pathetic, from the ashes came a new self and a new flame. Burn it, phoenix! A phoenix is a phoenix.

What do you bring to the table?

I had several relationships, way too many I believe. I started my first relationship since 16 years old and sicne then never had time for myself. Honestly, all the broke up took after a certain pattern, they were initiated by me and usually lasted 1 to 2 years, some months and the reason was always because deep down I believed that they did not love enough. After the 3rd relationship, I thought something was wrong with me. I asked myself whether I was asking too much or too unrealistic, maybe I should hang around a while longer for that person to cultivate that love and feeling to be strong enough, basically for him to love me enough. I remembered there was this ex-boyfriend that made a comment. He said loving me was great but he felt the bar was raised higher and higher and that level was difficult to reach. So, I seriously thought that I should lower my bar and my level was just unrealistic.

As the years went by, I realise I was not being unrealistic. In fact it was never an issue of realism rather the way we viewed love. I am such, when I made a decision to love that person, be it a friend or someone I love, I bring to the table full 100%. If I decided to love that person, I can do anything, anything for that person, and no matter how long I knew her or him. That 100% may remain, many just decreased along the way. Yet I discovered that many approached that table with much caution. They brought to the table with a 10 or 20% and increased according with time or how the relationship developed. When both love at different degree and level at different pace, you get frustration. No right or wrong just like how we approach investment.

I guessed for me it was like giving the best shot at the start because that was how love was all about. Just how I approache the table... ...

That Little Girl - Part 2

During my dad absence, relatives made sure they compared my progress in studies to their daughters. I did not understand why till today. Anyway, they always had something to talk about my mum and me. Then without being taught, I realised I can see a person's heart through their eyes. I was a very quiet child because I thought I can see better when I just focus on their eyes regardless of what they said with their mouth. Eyes said much often, we may or may not realise it.

Anyway, they thought since I was very quiet I may not understand what was going around but I do. I had an uncle and it was my 2nd uncle- the 2nd brother of my mum who died of cancer when I was in Secondary 2. He was maybe one of the few that was really nice. He had a family, 3 children in fact and a wife. Whenever he had a family outing, he would bring me along with his family. I enjoyed those outings because mum would be so busy with her work, maybe the only time she brought me out would be during Chinese New Year.

Whenever I went out for a meal with my uncle and his family, I remembered that I would try not to eat too much, in fact eat as little as possible so that the rest of his family would not think that I was imposing upon them. Yet this uncle always made sure my bowl was full. I remembered there was an outing to Kusu island. His wife brought along his sister and mother and now the car was really packed. Well, including me, to squeeze 6 persons at the back was a tall order. Then my uncle and his wife had an argrument and no doubt was about leaving me behind since I was the 'outsider'. My kind uncle insisted that I came along and I went. But during the car journey, I felt so bad. I never wanted to be so imposing and I did not know how to tell them it was okie for me not to go. For all his kindness, I remembered. Honestly, that was why if any of his children approached me for help, I yet to say no ... ... and 2 of his 3 children remained close as cousins. In fact, I think both brothers took after their father's kindness and compassion.

Kindness begets kindness.

That Little Girl

I attended the Yellow Ribbon concert today. There was a segment in the musical concert somehow brought back memories. In the segment, the inmate was wondering whether his daughter, his little girl of 11 years old would forgave him when she visited him. Then I was reminded the first visit I made to the Changi Prison when I was 9 years old. I remembered I missed my dad badly when he was caught when I was five years old. That night just before the police brought him away for the next 7 years, though I was only five years old, I remembered he kissed me goodnite on the forehead. Then I woke up the next day, I did not get to see him till I was nine years old. I remembered I kept asking mum where dad was, she told me dad was working at the sea. She told me dad would be back for me. I guessed the sudden disappearance of my dad did had an impact on me. That is why till today, I can take rejection in the face yet I was scared when people suddenly refused to talk to me. That cut off simply reminded me of my lost when I was young.

The next 7 years was bad for me and mother. I did not understand why our house was burnt down a few months later after dad was taken away. I did not understand why if dad was working overseas, relatives and especially my grand dad would hated me so much. He hated me so much that he would often beat me up when his opium stick. His beating was always painful, knocked my head real hard. He often snatched the bowl of rice I was eating and threw on the floor. Everytime he did that, I would then proceed to the back of the kitchen, got whatever rice that was left, got the fish cake and got the soy sauce and ate beside the drain. There may not be enough dishes to go around, fishcakes were plentiful cos' my maternal family sold noodles for a living and we made our own fishcakes. Honestly it was always my neighbour of the same age thought that I was pitiful. I was quite contented with my rice and fishcake and I liked fishcake till today. I hated my grand father before but as I got older, that hatred was gone. I remembered when I was 19 years old, my grand father had an illness. During his last few months, surprising we made a connection. I would just sit beside him on the sofa, we did not talk much but I knew that he was glad that I was there. That was a closure for both of us. I thought it was his way of saying sorry and my way of saying I still regard him as my grandfather. When he finally left, honestly not a trace of bitterness left. I remembered at the funeral when my uncles and aunties wanted to reprimand me for not going through the taoist rituals, i told that I was the only one that visited him often during his last days and that sort of shut their mouths.

I stole when I was 8 years old. When I first steal, it was a nail clipper. That was purely out of curosity. The 2nd time I stole because it was my cousin's birthday and I knew that he always wanted a lego set. He was a cousin close to my heart till today and I wanted him to have that and so I just do it. The next few times, I remembered was to buy my classmates' sweets and the other time was to steal from mum because I wanted to have a barbie doll. All of my classmates have barbie dolls and I wanted a simple barbie doll, so that I did not have to borrow from any of them. But a simple barbie doll at that time costed $9.90 and I only managed to take $4 from mum. IHonestly sometimes, I thought to myself why my mother would want to put me in a prestigious school, that was a lot of social pressure there.

In that school, I remembered beside our name, they would put down the father's name and occupation. When I looked at the classroom register, there were so many engineers, doctors, lawyers and beside dad was always blank. As I got older, I thought I start to use the term " business man" for his occupation cos that sounded prestigious. Well, I was not totally lying, just a matter of what business... sigh.... ha ha...

Honestly, I was totally sold the sailor and working overseas story that my mother told me to explain for the disappearance of my dad in my life. So during primary school, I remembered I shared a story of my dad working on a ship and wrote back to my mother to my classmates. Actually what was fantasty and reality? They were determined by what we hoped to see in our world.

Back to barbie doll, I finally had my first barbie doll when I was 10 years old. I got this classmate - Joanne, she had a pair of kind parents that bought Joanne all sort of toys. There was so many barbie dolls in her room and strawberry shortcakes. They gave me a barbie doll for my birthday. Honestly I was still grateful till now. I lost touch with Joanne since primary five but I saw her once last year. I went forward to introduce myself but she no longer remembered me. I left my name card and she did not give me mine and she never call me. All I want to do was to tell her parents 'Thank You' for giving me my first barbie doll.

I was surprised that the Yellow Ribbon concert brought back so much memories and feelings.

Singapore Biennale 2006

The whole Singapore Biennale tour is refreshing. We explored and visted the various art pieces and presentation in National Museum and the Tanglin Camp. Some of the pieces sit well with me, some I do know why they are arts, honestly. To me, art is simply what that simulates our sensory being. It is what you can gathered from the whole experiences upon in touch with the pieces.

There is this short film featuring a guy that acted like Annabell Cheong. He acted as if he is making love yet shouting 'Death Penalty is Immoral'. Many people regard Annabell as immoral and hated her for puting Singapore on the international spotlight for the wrong reason. Yet isn't the fact that we embraced Capital Punishment also put Singapore on the world map too? Is what Annabell did more immoral than having the right to take another person's life? Something to think before answering. I just read a book - Freakonomic. There is statement that said, moral values tell what we want our ideal world to be, economics tell what the world actually is. If moral is simply a result of how we think we want to run our society, then what determines immoral?If all standards are man-made, who then determines what is right or wrong afterall.

My Favourite - Colin Goh

I have a favourite - Colin Goh. In fact, I first knew him through the Sunday Times Column. A guy that wrote things with different perspectives and many times challenged the ways we think and believe. Afterall, our beliefs are meant to be challenged especially when they are simply a set of values that we hold on to guide our lives.

From the column, I read the 'famous' article that he wrote on Singapore Dreams. The dream of the nation is very different from the dream of individual. Not that liking Colin gives me the courage to leave everything in Singapore and explore the world the way I always wanted. Yet liking Colin gives that extra hint of courage to explore and relook at options in life. When a person see options, he or she sees opportunities and with opportunities come expectancies.

Yesterday nite, I was taking a ride in a friend's car. He mentioned that there is a fortune teller in Clarke Quay that will and can tell your life with absolute accuracy and one just need to pay $10. He mentioned that he would like to pay that fortune teller a visit and was expecting whoever in the car to show the same excitement. Honestly I was thinking I would never want to approach the fortune teller. Life is interesting, beautiful and exciting because we do not know what is actually in store. Won't knowing all kills the simple joy of living? Because I do not know what is the future, I live to savour the tastes of life as if this is the last. Life may not be sweet yet I taste it. Why would anyone want to know the ending when at times the journey is what that makes life interesting? Like what Colin shared in his articles, when you do not have a plan, suddenly there is a world of opportunities.

To me, Colin Goh, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings symbolises the world of possibilities and celebrates the creativities in human mind.

So Boring ... ...

I do not know why I felt so bored in my soul and spirit all of a sudden for the last 2 weeks. Not that there isn't alot of things to do, in fact there are so many things to do but just a sense of boredom in me. So, what exactly is happening to me, I am not too sure either. I guess it is time for me to plan things more proactively.

Spring Cleaning

I did a spring cleaning yesterday. Not my house but my friendship system.

You see, I had this friend of mine that I got to know when I was at KDF. We got pretty close, at least that was what I thought. We started off as colleagues, and I would said I rendered much help to her for her work. I help her drafted email, taught her how to talk to people diplomatically. I was there when she started to get involved with her boyfriend, I was the mediator for every single quarrel she had with her boyfriend then, I was there for her when they broke up. I bought her breakfast everyday from Mon to Fri for 2 years. Okie, not 100% of the days, at least 95%. In her work, we started off as peers. Soon, I became her reporting supervisor. I was guiding her the best I could, sometimes, I think I was doing her work. Sad, when her performances failed to impress management, I helped her to negotiate her terms for leaving. Basically, I thought I did what I can for her.

3 months ago, she left the company for greener pasture. Sadly, I was the last person to know where she was going. Then she disappeared. She knew the difficulties that I was going through due to family matter before she left, she still chose to disappear. Out of the company, out of my life. Okie, I was reasonable. I had learnt not to expect friends to be around during crisis. Come on, they had their own life to lead, so what to expect. But, totally disappearance for someone once that close was pretty unacceptable.

Suddenly, last week she sent me an email asking me how I was coping, after 3 and half months. I did not reply because I was so sick of repeating my story again and again. She called, and I refused to answer her call. I finally told her not to call again, it was okie. She can remain as my acquaintance and that was it. Well, very her, she gave me all kind of reasons why she disappeared. Mainly she was too busy to even respond an sms. I did something real nasty, the first in my life. I told her, it does not matter anymore. She was out of my system. I was not bitter just indifference to her and her existence. I did my best for her and if that was how she was to react, there was nothing I can do. Spring clean her out of my system. Honestly, she does not matter anymore.