My Letter to ST dated 15 October 2006

To the editor:

I refer to the article "Half-Price Weddings" that you published on Sunday Times - 15 October 2006.

I totally disgreed with the sweeping statements our local bridal shop made pertaining to the outfits provided by the JB wedding outfits.

Firstly, who are they to say that "those who go to JB are not very particular about dress designs." ST publishing such statements made by them and did not offer alternative opinions does not allow readers to have a full picture.

Secondly, the Singapore studios further stated that "Singapore designs are more classic, while the Malaysian designs follow the Taiwanese style" seem to imply that designs not of Singapore will be less 'classic'. If taste is subjective, who are they to state which are the more classic ones?

I personally felt that the article ignored the skill of a photographer which is a very important point when choosing a bridal package. I decided on a 'JB' package was more because of the skill of my photographer, Kelvin Eng, than the cheaper price. In fact, he was recommended for his work on some local bridal forums. I saw his work, liked the way he captured certain angles of the couple and I decided on him and the his package with no hesitations. The package is cheaper than those in Singapore and is topped by his great photography skills and customer service. It turned out that the whole photography shoot was a breeze even though we needed to travel to JB. Ironically, my friends who took up packages in Singapore were complaining of the tiring hours they endured because their photographers cannot captured the angles.

The point that I wanted to bring across is that cheaper does not always means inferior. If Singaporeans continue to retain the belief that cheaper offerings are compromised on quality and service, then in the long run, we will lose out in this competition. The matter of fact is, in JB, there are studios that offered cheaper packages, better customer service and better photography. The first step for local bridal shops to win in this competition is to recognise the edge of such competitors. And maybe a national paper like the ST can take the first step in helping the readers to understand this with more accurate reporting.

Dawn Kor

Tan Seow Hon - ST 14 October 2006 - page S17 Review

Today, Tan Seow Hon, assistant professor at the NUS wrote an article on ST titled "True Love? look no further than friendship" is interesting. I extracted some paragraphs and placed at this blog for sharing.

"Ou downplaying of friendship in adult life is somewaht sad when, from our childhood days, we have had a tendency to veer towards a best friend. Most come to expect less of friends after disappointments and the experience of waning friendships as people go through different phrases of life.

The lack of expectations is not necessarily healthy because it may express a lack of confidence and an unwillingness to commit, in the same way we do no expect anything of an animal in the zoo"

*** So, be glad that you have friends that expect something from you. At least, we know we are not seen as an animal in the zoo."

"Still, most of us would not have difficulty describing waht we think ideal friendship consists of: Friendship involves free choice and particular persons; it involves reciprocity; the parties participate in it as an end in itself; it involves a commitment into the future; it involves a predominance of reactive rather than detached attitudes."

"If it is true that love requires self-giving, putting others above one's self and even laying down one's life for others, it is unsurprising that we who count our interests first in a postmodern world run into immense difficulties giving true love to another human being."

"At the end of the day, statistics aside, we cannot deny that our selfishness is one hindrance to finding true love. We may have all the opportunities in the world to know another person, but until we learn to prefer another, our budding relations will never fulfil their potential."

"May we remember Emerson's words, that to form friendship, one must first be a friend. To find true love, be prepared first to love."

Awards Ceremony - What's the purpose?

I attended or rather I was involved in an awards ceremony today. Part of my job. I wondered whether it was because of what I went through or rather there was something just not right about how the ceremony was being carried out.

5 years ago, I was thrilled to be part of the ceremony and proud to contribute. Witnessing the many big shots that attended the ceremony with that wow effect. 5 years today, I found that all were so meaningless. Do not get me wrong, the execution and the organising were perfect, too perfect that we forgotten what was the purpose of doing it in the first place. The bigger picture and the reason behind it. Human kind sometimes gotten caught up with the process that they forgotten the very reasons why they do the very things they do. We caught up with the details that we forgotten the end goal.

As for the big shots, I began to wonder in my mind, if the positions and the galmorous uniform sand unfits are to be removed from them, do they command the same respect as individuals? Actually a real test of your worth is when you remove your position in your career, take away your wealth and look around and see who stand by you and respect you as who you are. In fact, many passed the test of standing by, adding on the respect part, few made it.

I have witnessed cases in husband and wife where the wife lost respect of the husband once the earning power and position of the husband was removed due to whatever reasons. When did human kind start achoring their self esteem upon your job or connections? Isn't we suppose to respect each other based on our very character and who we are?

I stated again and again, human life form is fragile. Thus, cherishing every living moment is crucial. I asked myself it today is the last day of my life, would I still want to be at the awards ceremony? Do I really see what I was doing this afternoon a mean to the very end I believe and live my life for? When the answer was a No, I know where I stand and what I should do.

By the way, if tomorrow is your last day, what would you do today and who you would spend your time with? Trust me. the answers will hold the key to what and who you really love in life.

Attempted Suicide - His & Mine

Today, I felt like writing a letter to God.

I, like many people have mastered the art of going on life as usual while feeling not too fantastic. I went for dental checkup and polishing, a pedicure session, movie and dinner with friends. Yet, I know I felt a certain sadness that I do not know how to do and what to say.

My dad attempted suicide last evening and this morning. Last night, he took a mouthful of his medicine, put inside his mouth and wanted to swallow. My maid caught him in time, called me and face to face, I asked him to spilt the medicine out and he did. I consoled him, and he went to bed after talking and singing him songs.

This morning, at 7am, my mum knocked my room door and shouted for help. I dashed out, and saw my dad sitting outside the window of my living room and about to jump down. I shouted at him and said that if he ever did that, I will not forgive him for the rest of my life. I told him, we have been fighting this for so long, why give up now? He relented and we caught him and brought him back and sent him to hospice where the nurses can monitor him.

As I sent him back to hospice, holding his hands in mine, my heart break. I hated to see the dad I love suffered and the thought of him about to jump off and me losing him forever hurted me. God, your grace is sufficient for any of my trials. If you are to take him, take him now afterall heaven is a beautiful place. Do not let him take his own life. God, help him.

Attempted suicide is sad, almost because he felt helpless and no reasons for him to be around. I know how that feeling was like.

I offered no condemnation to no one that attempted suicide, I understand fully how they felt and why they did what they did.

Bill Bryson - A Short History of Nearly Everything


I bought the book about 2 weeks ago and never had a chance to really read it. Yesterday evening while waiting for my hair to dry, I decided to look at a chapter and I started with a chapter in the middle of the book - chapter 16.

I was captured by the book. It talked about the Universe and us. I am so amazed. Like what do we really understand by the Big Bang theory. It take trillions and trillons tons of energy to bang together to make just a you. It talked about how if the earth is just a few miles nearer to the sun, we will not be who we are. The moon is there to ensure that the earth rotates in his own orbit and hey they are many many moons in the entire Universe. Not only that, there is no end to the Universe, no one actually travel there and there could be a meta universe etc.

When I read a chapter last nite and a chapter this morning, I realised we as human beings are so small. When we thought that in the little room we sit daily at work, we seem to own the world, when in actual fact, we own nothing. Today, if the inner core of the earth burnt itself out, the surface of the earth where we live on it now will crumple just like that. When it happened, nothing else happened.

The book is a splendid book, not only on the general knowledge of science but it really made you look at things in right perspective. Next time, when we think we are something and trying to be nasty, we realised we are just tiny organisms in the mega mega Universe. Ironically, when we coined titles like Mr and Ms Universe, we made a laughing stock of ourself in the face of the trillions and trillions of organism living, few we know, many many we yet to know.

Brillant book, easy to read and a wonderful education.

Demands

I know recently I seem to be more demanding. It can be on friends or simply on people that I love. Then I realised yesterday that maybe, maybe it was because of the many demands that my dad made on me.

Not that I mind, yet it can be tiring. Yesterday, I suddenly receive a call at about 8plus to 9 at night. An unfamiliar number and then I realised it was my dad's friend. He said, your dad want u to buy him a packet of peanuts, those non salty and without shells. I said okie but I can only do it today. So everyday, I received different requests for different things. Last Thursday nite was about rushing home to get him the medicine, then wanted to eat different food on different days. Today has to be fried bee hoon. Last Sunday at 6plus am is about wanting to see a doctor for itchiness and I had to tell him that the clinic was not open yet. It was like the requests were only made to me. Honestly I was not angry just a bit tired and I felt bad if I did not adhere to his requests. Today, I visited him and a nurse told me that my dad talked alot about me during his daily bath. Suddenly at that moment, all that requests and sometimes demands seem alright to me.

Then, I realised a greater truth. It was when we were insecure of that person's love, that we became demanding. Take for example, a couple had some misunderstanding and the wife began to exhibit behaviours that demanded the husband's attention and wanted the husband to apologise first. The behaviours of the wife simply show that she was unsure that her husband's love for her was great enough to make the husband apologise first. Thus, she used the easier way, demanded for it in her own ways. When people made demands, it was often a cry for help disguised in a manner that protect. So, I guess my dad just want to know that I still love him and I still do, with or without his demands.

Only Child... ...

It is both easy and difficult to understand only child. People who are only child, grow up as the only child is different. It takes an only child to understand another.

We like crowd and people, afterall, we grow up being alone most of the time, we enjoy the activities when there are people, we enjoy the energy that people generated. Of couse we enjoy the company, joy and laughter that come with it. Yet, we do like to be alone and have our own personal space. In fact, our need for personal space is larger than most people. Home is our comfort zone, mostly at night, we enjoy not being disturb so that we can do our own things and have time to think. Thinking is crucial to anyone yet it is important to only child. We grow up thinking when no one is there to talk to us. Thinking alomost become our way of talking to ourself.

Most only child either write or draw. Either one expresses ourself. And it is activity that we can do it alone without waiting for people to do it with us and it does not disturb people around us.

Only child is an observant being. We observe either surroundings or people. When we grow up not having anyone of the same or close age group to talk or play with, we end up observing.

Emtotional being of only child is unique. We enjoy all the attention and love from parents since young, so we expect the same intensity of love from our loved ones as we grow up. We usually take after a parent of the same gender whether we like it or not and we expect our partner to behave the same way as the parent of the opposite gender. For example, my dad loves me tremendously. He makes me feel that I am the most important being to him in this world and he will be there for me even when the world collapses. Inevitably, I find that I am looking to my hubby to make me feel that. Because we have been receiving the same intensity of love from our parents, only child expect the people they love to love them the same way, almost sacrificingly. Of course, life will adjust our expectations along the way not our deepest desire.

Only child is spolit. We are spolit. Most of us do not show it but when we are at our most comfortable self and that is at home, trust me, we are spolit.

Emotionally, only child is both very dependent and independent. Difficult to explain that though.

Lastly but not exhaustive, only child likes being the only child. He or she may sometimes wish for sibling or more siblings, yet only child if given a choice, loves being the only child. Afterall, few get to grow up having the best of both parents just to yourself and I tell you, it is such a priviledge. Don't believe me, ask another only child.

Is honesty the best policy?

Since young, we are taught the phrase " Honesty is the best policy". Ya, sure.

People will tell you that they are open, they appreciate honesty and they are ready to accept your sharing. So you did just that, before long, you found out you had lost a friend or in some cases they keep a distance.

Okie, we have come to an age where we know that we are not always honest with everyone. People who you know are not there to stay, we keep our opinions to ourself. Friends or loved ones who we thought are there to stay, we shared what we really think. Sharing our opinions is like telling them, this is what I think of you, you are entitled to change that or prove me wrong. In fact, even when you are what I think of you, be it, I can accept it, because this is you.

This week, I thought to myself, maybe I will share with 2 persons what I really think of them. Not that, if they are so, I will love them less, just my thoughts.

In the beginning of the week, I shared with one close buddy what I thought is the direction of the relationship. I sensed that, that buddy most probably thought that I was asking for more when in fact I was just stating what I perceived as truth.

Next, at the end of the week, I shared what I thought with a friend what I think of her since she keep asking me for it. In fact, I checked my mail several times, ensuring there is no malice, just what I think. Then, I realised, honesty is not the best policy. She decided that it was a judgement, cried her heart out and most probably moved on to others who are not as blunt and honest as me.

In this era, is honesty such a bitter pill to swallow? Or sugar-coated candy a better choice. The good part of me is that I can dish out both, just thought that to move any relationship up the ladder of trust and love, the bitter pill is a better choice afterall the world is already full of lies and hypocrisy. As for the two I talked to this week, they want candy, I give candy.

Hear Me!

Singapore Hospice Council and Lien Foundation published in ST today. Aimed to educate the general public about hospice care and the topic of death. As stated in the papers, our culture tends to promote a kind of secrecy, silence and shame towards terminal illness.

One of the greatest acts of kindness we can do for the dying is allowing them to be heard. Another act of kindness could be allowing the caregiver of the dying to be heard and in this case is me. Like said in the paper, not talking about death won't make it go away, talking about it, on the other hand, can bring life.

Many many times, people asked me "How is your dad?" I replied,"He is dying." Before I could continue, they would said "No, do not say that" or "Do not worry, he will be alright" or "Sorry" and then silence or move on to another topic. I understand. Firstly, death is not a pleasant topic. The book "Tuesday with Morrie" can be the best seller, that does not mean people understand death and can talk about it. And people do not know what to say about it, or how to console me.
So. nowadays, I simply reply: "He should be alright." The reply is not a lie. He should be alright, but he is not. The reply is to release the burden of them not knowing what to say about death.

Honestly, I do not have anyone to talk to about my dad, who is dying. So I blog. Writing clear my thoughts and allows me to grieve and blogging gives me an idea that I am heard when in honestly, whether I am heard or not is then another issue.

Lastly, I am not too sure whether Singaporeans are ready to break the conspiracy of silence againist the dying by talking about death. Afterall, not everyone is as lucky as Morrie.

Let's Talk About Money!

Use money, bless people. Yet, many use people, bless money. I have heard many said that money is not everything. But, the way to a man's heart, often tie closely to his pocket.

2 months ago, my hubby suddenly asked for my account no. He said he would like to give $200 monthly to me as shopping allowance. So, for the past 2 months, he would wired the money to my account upon receiving his salary(I even forgotten about it this month). To me, is such a nice gesture. It is not the amount, just a very nice thought. I have seen many husbands complained about the spending habits of their wife. Few instead of complaining, chose to give allowance for shopping. When I asked him how he think I should spend the money, he said anything, be it pedicure or manicure. What more can I expect?

When my hubby is still single, he gave 25% of his salary to his parents. When we gotten married and have our own family, I know that he is still contributing the same amount to his parents. At one point, the thought of asking him to give less did cross my mind. But, I did not. I just tell him if he wants to give the same amount, please go ahead and if there is need for me to chip in more for our family, let's do it. Because I realise what would be the possible repercussions of asking him to give less to his parents? If we really believe in the mindset of abundance, I should not be restricting him? What type of values am I promoting to him, encouraging him to give less to people he love? I just have to trust him that he can and will manage his finance. Money can always be earned, once you break that in a man, it is difficult to regain back. Besides, we believe that our Father in Heaven always without failed provides for us in abundance now and ever. I am glad that I trust my man to manage what he earns and trust him to treat the people he loves in his life well. Remember, use money, bless people. Afterall, the old saying stays "Money is a tool, only useful when you are alive."